From time to time, I will share memories from the past as a way to preach truth to myself and each of you in the present. Just like the frequent commands to the nation of Israel throughout the Old Testament to set up ways to remember the past works of God, we too are prone to forget how forgetful we are. That is why it is important to often look back and see God’s sustaining grace carrying us all the way through. That remembering may sometimes bring about the beautiful pain of remembrance, but its redeeming effect is to ultimately turn our focus from the temporal to the transcendent.
How could I not but share this memory from Sarah’s journal one year ago today! Our God is so very, very good to allow her words then to live on in their impact now.
“Today is 1 month since I had emergency surgery in the middle of the night…after having spent 9 days in the hospital in almost uncontrollable pain – unable to eat or drink, on so many IV medications I lost count…and then after all that, I was told I needed surgery or I could very likely die of septic shock.
This has been both the shortest and longest month of my life.
All of this came after over a year of battling extreme hormonal deficiencies and feeling like my body was failing in every way.
It came after 4 years of desiring to be parents and instead having God choose in His wisdom (that we may not always understand – but can trust fully) to take our 3 children straight from my womb to Heaven, instead.
While I laid in my hospital bed I would often hear the lullaby music they play when a baby is born. I remember fighting back tears and thinking “I’m 31 years old…I should be here having a baby, not battling a perforated ulcer”.
But really – it doesn’t work that way. God has a different plan for all of us, and He uses suffering and trials to grow us. I don’t “deserve” anything, but He has given me everything in salvation.
Thankfully, that pity party didn’t last long as the Holy Spirit continually reminded me of God’s perfect love for me, His perfect sovereignty, and His perfect timing in *all things*. He’s not done with me, or with our family. We know He has a plan. I don’t know what my health will be long term. I’m always going to battle the hormonal issues, but God has given us so much hope that if He’s given us a love for children, He will add to our family through adoption, and equip us to be able to care for a child/children….and He may choose to give us a biological child too – He can do whatever He desires to do…and whatever He does, will be perfect.
Recovery is difficult, I have good hours, and then I maybe do too much (which isn’t a lot) and will feel pretty miserable for a few hours. My legs and feet are still miserably swollen and the doctor says it will get better with time…which is hard to hear when you want it to be resolved immediately.
Well, I guess I said all that in order to share that this article spoke to my heart so strongly, and I honestly feel like I could have written so much of it.
If you want to understand where I’m at in my heart/emotions/thoughts/struggles/spirit/etc – her words sum it all up quite well.
Again, I never want to miss an opportunity to thank all of you who are praying so faithfully for us. We are so thankful for each one of you ❤ …and thankful to God for so many answered prayers and His overwhelming provision and peace during this entire time.”